Prentis, I know where you are coming from.
I think that essentially many believers that argue are often not that far apart. However, our language tends to fail us. I know there are many times that no matter how I state something, I'm going to come off as too liberal in my theology or too conservative in other places. I've always thought of it as the polarization of an argument.
Take the whole love and live juxtaposed against following the Word (the Bible). I don't think people who follow the Bible closely are all legalists and I don't think all people who espouse love are total left wing liberal theologians. I think that's why there are many Old Testament references to not straying too far to the right or too far to the left. Different strokes for different folks as the saying goes...
I think many of the bad Christian arguments made out there tend to be made by people who love people and desire for sincere truth. However, other arguments are made in a desire to be right or to force someone into a corner for self-glorification. Unfortunately, just like in other aspects of life, we view compromise in a negative light. We often see compromise as compromising the integrity of the Bible. That does not mean there are instances where that can really be the case. We don't really allow for the understanding that we have to work through something as large and as complicated as the Bible and we might be wrong sometimes. Now don't get me wrong, we should not paralyze ourself with inaction, but at the same time we are told to be ready to give account in the Bible.
The fact remains that the only people who repent for punishment or a "harsh" tone do so at the literal/metaphorical hand of God. As flawed humans, we really have to take an introspective look at ourselves and how we come across.
I'm reminded of Colossians 4 which has come up so much lately for me:
Colossians 4:3-6
And pray for us, too, that God may open a door for our message, so that we may proclaim the mystery of Christ, for which I am in chains. Pray that I may proclaim it clearly, as I should. Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.
I'd say that unfortunately 4/5 conversations that happen here on CB and even in life are not tempered with grace and probably way too much salt. I look at salt as flavor (character that jazzes up the discussion, etc.) Recall that grace is totally unmerited favor. Jesus extended grace to us by dying for our sins. We have to do the same when we talk to others about Jesus. On one hand we do not need to compromise core convictions like Jeus being the way - period - and other foundational truths, but at the other we have to be cautious of how we act towards outsiders (people who are not Christians). Think about it like a business. Even if the customer is a little unruly, rude, and ticked, a representative for a business is still expected to keep his or her cool and represent the company in a positive manner. Why would it be any different for God? It seems many Christians can be totally nice from 9-5, but you catch them at the wrong time otherwise and whew boy... Jesus was patient with you and everyone else. Just look at Paul! You don't think it grieved God's heart to see him persecture Christians? Do you not think it hurt God's heart at least a little for Paul to stand there and soak up Stephen's destruction? Yet he struck him down not before all this happened, but along a road in the midst of his persecuting.
I'm just reminded of Acts 17 where Paul used the media of that time's culture to convey something. I think we have a widely-felt problem in Christianity of not considering that God's message remains relevant even though some different examples or perhaps even a different focal point exists.
Is not God so big that he encompasses great love AND yet still has a sense of justice that will not tolerate error?