When I first met God, I had this experience where I physically felt Him. It was like these waves washing over me and in me and it caused the hair on my arms to stand up. Others describe different things, more like a sense of great peace and well-being. But for me, I would be filled with great joy and would also have a physical reaction.
This went on for some time. It wasn't continual but He would sneak up on me and it was almost like He was hugging me. I wouldn't even be thinking about Him. I'd be doing something like taking out the trash or driving my car and bang! He would just wash over me.
One day, I guess I realized He hadn't been doing that for a while. So I began to fear I'd offended Him in some way. I began doing everything I could think to do to make Him return to my senses. But He didn't. It was a distressful time for me. No one could help me. A lot of people tried. Some said, you can't go on your feelings. You have to go on faith (trust). But I didn't understand what they were saying because from the day I'd met God, it came with this feeling, this physical sensation. I knew this was God.
Then He eventually came back to my senses. But He would come and then disappear so quickly and I wanted Him back. It got to the point where I was always wandering around hoping for Him to return, even though it was very dissatisfying because it was so fleeting. It's like I wanted, but also saw I wanted something more. More...permanent.
Some people told me that this feeling was not God but was instead satan, but thankfully, they didn't convince me of that because I had lived over 42 years and in that 42 years, I had experienced every feeling and emotion common to men. I had experienced anger, happiness, cold, hot, pain, muscle aches, spasms, etc. But they were saying this new experience that I'd never had in all those years that filled me with such joy that it always brought tears to my eyes as being a feeling sent from satan, and I just knew it wasn't true.
I was told to just reject the feeling by some but I could not. I knew this was God. I didn't know any other thing, but I knew it was Him.
After some time, living in this distress, except when He would be present to my senses again for a brief moment and I would have joy again, to be replaced by distress again moments later when He disappeared again - He placed a book in my hand that finally helped me some. The author explained that I was being weaned. He likened it to a human child being weaned rather than being answered with milk and warm caresses every time they cried.
He further described my physical sensations/feelings as a still very sensual and base way of experiencing God rather than a mature way of walking not by sight/feeling, but by trust. This was why God kept disappearing to my human senses - He wanted to lead me by a purer way, not mixed up in carnality and pleasures to my flesh.
The author described my experience as "the dark night of the senses." He explained that God was doing good by me and that all experience it to some degree, this weaning.
It brought me relief. I still craved it, but I was able to go along without so much distress.
There is a second part to the book that describes another stage, but for now, that's all I wanted to share.
I could be wrong and your experience can in no way relate to mine, but I had some anger in places, that God was being mean to me that I had to admit to. It sounds like you are angry as I was, throwing a wailing fit because the breast has been withheld from you when you cried for it.
So...if any of it rings for you, take it. If all of it sounds like insanity, discard it. It certainly won't offend me if you can't relate at all.
