The Wall between God and Myself

Discussion in 'Testimonial Forum' started by Kenji better lived lives, Jul 13, 2016.

  1. [SIZE=14.6667px]One particular day in 1989 stands out in my mind. I was in my Newport Beach apartment, alone. I had just come from the library across the street where I had used the Xerox machine to copy the poem, “Invictus” by William Ernest Henley.[/SIZE]

    [SIZE=14.6667px]I sat at my table and used an Exacto knife to cut out the last two lines of the poem. They read, “I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul.” I took that small paper to be laminated and I then carried it in my wallet for over a decade.[/SIZE]

    [SIZE=14.6667px]I look back now and I am embarrassed by my naivety. I had read Anthony Robbins’ “Unlimited Power,” and a slew of other books. I was using what I learned in the books to better myself. Or so I thought.[/SIZE]

    [SIZE=14.6667px]That was the story of my life. I would take something and then twist it until it fit into my life. It made me feel like anything I did was okay, because I was in charge.[/SIZE]

    [SIZE=14.6667px]I had spent from birth through age thirteen going to church or a church school. I had been taught better than to believe I was so powerful, but I chose to believe in myself anyway.[/SIZE]

    [SIZE=14.6667px]I started building a wall between myself and God in my teens. I was twenty when I started carrying those laminated words in my wallet. My goal from an early age, from 1984 until the mid-1990’s was to be a mobster, just like the ones I had seen in the movie “The Godfather.” By 1989 I was well on my way to realizing my twisted goal.[/SIZE]

    [SIZE=14.6667px]I had lost a friend and mentor to a murder in 1987. The murder was a classic gangland hit. I had been with him just hours before. A normal person would have gotten as far away from anyone or anything in that life at that point. But I didn’t. What did I take away from his death? I thought he had become soft and slipped up. He had started going to church and even had a taped sermon playing in his car when he was murdered. It made me think I was one of those lucky people because I was not with him.[/SIZE]

    [SIZE=14.6667px]I felt untouchable because things in life just seemed to work out for me. I was arrested many times and but I always skated. They could not build a case, or they dropped it before trial. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=14.6667px]I remember getting arrested for extortion and spending ten days locked up in a cell before I was able to be arranged. I had what I felt was bad luck by being picked up the Thursday before the Fourth of July weekend. Then they had a riot in Huntington Beach where they arrested hundreds of people. I just wanted to make bail, but I first had to be transferred and then go to court. I was on a no-bail hold until I went before a judge. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=14.6667px]One day when I was in my cell a chaplain came by and asked me if he could pray for me. I told him to go ahead, I was thinking to myself, “Hey, it couldn't hurt.” He prayed and left me a pamphlet. I just read some Stephen King book instead of even opening it up.[/SIZE]

    [SIZE=14.6667px]Finally I saw a judge.[/SIZE]

    [SIZE=14.6667px]I was in a cage in the courtroom chained to five other inmates. We were all bad guys, but I looked out of place being the youngest. The guy before me stood up and took a deal for nine years like he was ordering fries at McDonald's. Then they started reading off my charges and listing my organized crime ties. Everyone in the cage moved away from me. I felt proud right then. My lawyer was there and he argued that I was entitled to bail. The judge agreed to set bail at $80,000 and I was free that day.[/SIZE]

    [SIZE=14.6667px]I learned nothing.[/SIZE]

    [SIZE=14.6667px]I had not thought about that place in my life until Pastor Arol, during a sermon at Minooka Bible brought up people who think they are the captain of their soul. That was me. It couldn’t be much clearer than the words I lived by in my wallet.[/SIZE]

    [SIZE=14.6667px]I wasted many years thinking I knew what was best for me. It was not until I surrendered my life to God that I was able to see myself for what I really was. What I could not see because of the wall I built between us, I now see with clear eyes.[/SIZE]

    [SIZE=14.6667px]Have you ever built a wall between you and God, or do you have one now? [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=14.6667px]No matter where you are in life, I can tell you that what lies behind that wall is far greater than anything you might think you gain by standing alone. [/SIZE]
    [SIZE=14.6667px]God’s purpose for your life is greater than any purpose you can dream of on your own. [/SIZE]
    VictoryinJesus likes this.
  2. ScaliaFan

    ScaliaFan New Member

    this is interesting. I haven't finished reading it b/c I dont have time, but thanks for sharing. So many people don't seem to want to talk about such things these days... or do i just not get out much... hmmmm

    ok, i finished it

    yeh, there is wall between all people and God.. it is called original and actual sin

    I had a conversion experience in my teens, but so many weird things happened and i got massively distracted... Again, the Catholic faith is what eventually saved me... Call me an idiot all u want but that is the ONLY thing that worked for me.

    Even now, the rosary is the only thing that keeps the devil from doing all he wants to do... I dont see how people live/thrive in faith w/ o it... w/o the Holy Mass...

    anyway... many thoughts but dont have much more time...

    when u feel the presence of evil, you can recite the prayrs from the rosary (one is the Our Father) and the devil flees. He particularly hates Mary
  3. Gabrielle A

    Gabrielle A Prayer Warrior Staff Member Admin

    Hi Kenji,
    Welcome to CyB.
    Awesome testimony. Thanks for sharing it. God is so good!

  4. brakelite

    brakelite New Member

    Hi Kenji, awesome testimony. Praise God for His faithfulness and patience. Yep, we have a habit of erecting walls, and one of the stoutest is the wall of unbelief. We don't trust God's love and power to save...we don't trust that He wants us to be happy...we believe we know better than Him regards what is good for us...and so often we place our trust and hope in institutions and man-made conventions and traditions rather than simply trusting our heavenly Father to do what He has promised. God bless, and welcome to the forum.
  5. Thank you. I decided to start writing about times from my past. Times that show Gods hand or I could have changed. I have come a long way with more to come.
  6. Lil_Worried

    Lil_Worried New Member

    I love the ending of this poem. It sums everything up with just one sentence.
  7. VictoryinJesus

    VictoryinJesus Member

    United States
    Thank you for sharing.
  8. waterlilyoflife

    waterlilyoflife Member

    United States
    Sometimes people build walls around their hearts because they have been hurt before and don't want to let anyone else in for fear they might be hurt again. There are plenty of people who want to be he captain of their own soul. But our souls are filled with sin. Sin blocks us from being with God. That is why He sent His son Jesus Christ to earth to die on the cross to pay for our sins. Jesus is a mediator between heaven and earth. The veil separating God and humanity was torn in two when Jesus died. Repenting and confessing your sins brings down the wall between you and God.

    Good testimony, I'm glad you finally decided to do things God's way. He loves you deeply, and has a plan for your life for your good, a plan for you to prosper and find joy. Sometimes people have to be stubborn and and want their own way, and God has to discipline them to get them on the right path, the narrow path. I had a fascination with dragons, unicorns, and magic, I was on a fantasy kick, and I also had a bondage fetish, I m ashamed of some of the things I saw and did. God called me back to him, I was not happy when living in sin and trying to follow God half-heartedly. I decided I had to follow God's calling, I must give up things that are ungodly.