I think one of the main contentions about "election" comes from the very point you've raised...this idea of God "forcing" people to be 'in' him or not. But I think in this matter it is far, far more complex and deep than that, and therefore not as simple as just God "forcing" people to be in or out. We see in scripture that our God is a God who can uphold many things at the same time (for lack of a better way to put it) that are complex in nature and difficult for us to understand. The Trinity, for example. We know, for instance, that God exists in three persons, but is still only one God. How this can be is a bit of a mystery to us, but the doctrine is painted quite clearly. Another example is prophecy. One would think that the prophecy's God gives in the OT are set: what he predicts come to pass, right? Well, yes and no! They are, in some ways, conditional. He allows room for human choice to interact with them. He says; "if you do not, here is what will happen." And so if the people listen and obey, that prophecy will not come to pass.
I think when we come to something like election we must approach it in a similar way. Does God foreknow us? Yes. Is it part of his plan for some of us to come to him and others not? Yes. But do we still have the choice to say yes or no? Yes, I believe so. How can this be? Well...how is it that God caused Pharaoh's heart to be hardened (Ex 4:21, 7:3, Rom 9:17) but also Pharaoh caused his own heart to be hardened at the same time (Ex 8:32, Ex 8:15)? I'm not a scholar, and I'm hardly an expert, but I'd have to say this is one of those issues where God is holding out both things at the same time. In fact, I would content that perhaps the very nature of the sort of free will he has given us is what sees his purpose of election filled. Consider in the circumstance of Pharaoh: the more Moses and God 'pleaded' with him to let the Israelite's go...the more they showed him he did, in fact, have the choice to set them free, the more he hardened his heart against God's purposes.
Have you not experienced such a thing before? The more you try and love someone, give them a bit of space in their choices, the more belligerent and angry they become? It's like the love and freedom to move you are giving them is infuriating them. It's bizarre, but observable.
Anyway, I'm not at all sure I've explained that in a way that is coherent, but I did my best! I hope you get my gist!.