I am Struggling today. :(

[Helen]

I did not "enjoy" the Christmas days.

One of my daughters has been married 30 years. I got on quite well with my son in law before he married my daughter. After that he turn nasty and very possessive with her.
For years when I am around him I just pretend I do not notice his rudeness.
I pretend I don't hear or notice his over baring attitude to her. I do it for her sake..she says he is worse when anyone stands up to him. She has always been afraid of his violent temper ( and yep..he is a christian) It breaks my heart.

The problem I am struggling with and would like prayer or "words of wisdom" about.. is my attitude.. After this Christmas and his horrid rudeness to many of us gathered there...is that I left the house feeling like I actually hate him!!
I hate every moment of the emotional, controlling, domineering, fearful years that he has put my lovely daughter through.
I think I now loath him.
I find this scary as I know what bitterness does to our bodies and souls....it is like me drinking some poison , but then expecting to see my son-in-law to drop down dead...yet the one who is poisoned is me not him!!

On a few occasions in life, like most other people, I have fought against the spirit of loathing ..nipping it in the bud as soon as a strong dislike takes hold. We know where it comes from, and it is not God!!

So today I feel annoyed at myself for allowing him to control my emotions....while seeing my daughter overcome this very thing in her life, towards him.
She just says that he is in a prison of his own making ....and she will remain free.
I feel like I have lost this battle for myself at this time.

Would like prayer if you have time in these busy days.
Thanks x

 

[amadeus]

I wish I could advise you on this, but you seem to understand the situation and what to do... even if it does not fix your son in law or ease your daughter. I am praying for them as well as for you in this. Our God is a miracle working God still.

 

[Armadillo]

I find this scary as I know what bitterness does to our bodies and souls....it is like me drinking some poison , but then expecting to see my son-in-law to drop down dead...yet the one who is poisoned is me not him!!

It's ok to be angry and hate, these are God-given emotions that cannot be held back, does more harm than good. Do as Jesus, clear out the temple or let the floodgates open every time you see him and drown in sadness.

 

[VictoryinJesus]

I did not "enjoy" the Christmas days.

One of my daughters has been married 30 years. I got on quite well with my son in law before he married my daughter. After that he turn nasty and very possessive with her.
For years when I am around him I just pretend I do not notice his rudeness.
I pretend I don't hear or notice his over baring attitude to her. I do it for her sake..she says he is worse when anyone stands up to him. She has always been afraid of his violent temper ( and yep..he is a christian) It breaks my heart.

The problem I am struggling with and would like prayer or "words of wisdom" about.. is my attitude.. After this Christmas and his horrid rudeness to many of us gathered there...is that I left the house feeling like I actually hate him!!
I hate every moment of the emotional, controlling, domineering, fearful years that he has put my lovely daughter through.
I think I now loath him.
I find this scary as I know what bitterness does to our bodies and souls....it is like me drinking some poison , but then expecting to see my son-in-law to drop down dead...yet the one who is poisoned is me not him!!

On a few occasions in life, like most other people, I have fought against the spirit of loathing ..nipping it in the bud as soon as a strong dislike takes hold. We know where it comes from, and it is not God!!

So today I feel annoyed at myself for allowing him to control my emotions....while seeing my daughter overcome this very thing in her life, towards him.
She just says that he is in a prison of his own making ....and she will remain free.
I feel like I have lost this battle for myself at this time.

Would like prayer if you have time in these busy days.
Thanks x

ByGrace, you are not a horrible person for feeling this way. I have hated(or felt like it) my son-in-law also. It is difficult watching your daughter be mistreated, and maybe even harder watching innocent grand-children suffer the same treatment. The tension and worry made my husband and me both physically sick at one point with auto immune from being worn down over time. Six months ago, this son-in-law died suddenly at the age of thirty. One day he was there, the next he wasn't. My husband had just spoken to him that morning. If I can offer you any help it would be this: God puts [hard to love people in our life] to teach us unconditional love in ways we never could have learned otherwise. Forgiving when it seems impossible. This guy pushed our limits and compassion. He caused us to seek God more for guidance and help. Looking back on the ten year relationship of ups downs with this young man, we realize this young man was doing God's will in teaching us rather than us teaching Him. Somehow God had taken an impossible situation and moved us through it to a place where we were no longer "forcing" ourselves to tolerate this individual, to truly being concerned for his well-being as a son. Not because he did what we wanted him to but because there was relationship and struggle and growth.

Because of children being involved, now his parents are a constant in our life after the death of their son. A new challenge. We now see where and how this boy became so broken. His parents are broken also. God has put these people in our life for a reason and I don't doubt it.
I don't know the situation with your son-in-law and I am in no way saying we tolerate abuse. Speak truth when it is necessary. (God gives it). I am only saying I can tell you it is an opportunity God wants you in for some reason. Ask the Father what to do. For Him to show you His will toward this young man. I am not saying it is not difficult or painful but God can change your heart from anger and disappointment toward your son-in-law to doing something powerful through your presence in this individuals life. Last thing: release the burden and anxiety of protecting your daughter and turn it over to God. Trust him that what is needed is good, even if it hurts every one involved. Change usually does.

Where you are today can drastically change tomorrow.

Blessings.

 

[Helen]

@VictoryinJesus
Thank you for your lovely and very wise post.
Yes, I knew his mother well ( she'd passed over now) and we've always known why he is like he is!
At least my daughter only has her hubby now...and not her mother in law as well!!
I often used to say to my Dave..." she's old, I just wish she could go and enjoy Jesus now..." ( naughty I know...but she was quite something)

As you say...these people are sent to chip off the rough edges in our lives. After so many years I was just so mad with myself for giving in to my feeling for him. I am so glad to see the back of Christmas...which is not very much of an "overcoming"...but for sure it was a "going under" much more than rising above it victoriously!

 

[Truth]

I did not "enjoy" the Christmas days.

One of my daughters has been married 30 years. I got on quite well with my son in law before he married my daughter. After that he turn nasty and very possessive with her.
For years when I am around him I just pretend I do not notice his rudeness.
I pretend I don't hear or notice his over baring attitude to her. I do it for her sake..she says he is worse when anyone stands up to him. She has always been afraid of his violent temper ( and yep..he is a christian) It breaks my heart.

The problem I am struggling with and would like prayer or "words of wisdom" about.. is my attitude.. After this Christmas and his horrid rudeness to many of us gathered there...is that I left the house feeling like I actually hate him!!
I hate every moment of the emotional, controlling, domineering, fearful years that he has put my lovely daughter through.
I think I now loath him.
I find this scary as I know what bitterness does to our bodies and souls....it is like me drinking some poison , but then expecting to see my son-in-law to drop down dead...yet the one who is poisoned is me not him!!

On a few occasions in life, like most other people, I have fought against the spirit of loathing ..nipping it in the bud as soon as a strong dislike takes hold. We know where it comes from, and it is not God!!

So today I feel annoyed at myself for allowing him to control my emotions....while seeing my daughter overcome this very thing in her life, towards him.
She just says that he is in a prison of his own making ....and she will remain free.
I feel like I have lost this battle for myself at this time.

Would like prayer if you have time in these busy days.
Thanks x

Love and Hate are equal and opposite emotions, they are what God has allowed us to experience, as He has also experienced!! God is Love in the purest Form, BUT, God will express His Disdain in the End! Remember Our Savior, cleared the Temple Mount of Venders, those selling Critters for Sacrifice, We as believers Have the Right to realize that there are those that hold contempt, for others, they are rude and obscene, these will have their part in the Judgment. So be human, be yourself, be all that our Savior would have you to be+. Love will always prevail. PS will Pray that you are refreshed and relieved from your own reflection, of how you felt. we always need to examine ourselves, this is how we grow!

 

[ScottA]

Praying...

 

[aspen]

I did not "enjoy" the Christmas days.

One of my daughters has been married 30 years. I got on quite well with my son in law before he married my daughter. After that he turn nasty and very possessive with her.
For years when I am around him I just pretend I do not notice his rudeness.
I pretend I don't hear or notice his over baring attitude to her. I do it for her sake..she says he is worse when anyone stands up to him. She has always been afraid of his violent temper ( and yep..he is a christian) It breaks my heart.

The problem I am struggling with and would like prayer or "words of wisdom" about.. is my attitude.. After this Christmas and his horrid rudeness to many of us gathered there...is that I left the house feeling like I actually hate him!!
I hate every moment of the emotional, controlling, domineering, fearful years that he has put my lovely daughter through.
I think I now loath him.
I find this scary as I know what bitterness does to our bodies and souls....it is like me drinking some poison , but then expecting to see my son-in-law to drop down dead...yet the one who is poisoned is me not him!!

On a few occasions in life, like most other people, I have fought against the spirit of loathing ..nipping it in the bud as soon as a strong dislike takes hold. We know where it comes from, and it is not God!!

So today I feel annoyed at myself for allowing him to control my emotions....while seeing my daughter overcome this very thing in her life, towards him.
She just says that he is in a prison of his own making ....and she will remain free.
I feel like I have lost this battle for myself at this time.

Would like prayer if you have time in these busy days.
Thanks x

You are a good soul. Praying

 

[mjrhealth]

Feel for you, hardest part is, we would like to pray for them, to change, but God would rather we would change to that he can see the love and therby be changed, makes it so hard when they hurt those you love.

God bless

 

[Helen]

Feel for you, hardest part is, we would like to pray for them, to change, but God would rather we would change to that he can see the love and therby be changed, makes it so hard when they hurt those you love.

God bless

True words indeed...it's me who is the problem. What he is like to his family and the rest of us is between him and God. How I handle it all is up tp me. He's always unpleasant...must be a lonely place, because he is always right, never wrong....nothing is ever his fault...even when it is.
He snipped at me three time on Christmas day...and also to others...people were rolling l their eyes at each other when he couldn't see ...he ruined everything....I stupidly let it get under my skin this year.
I could kick myself for dropping my guard and letting it get to me.
I must get through this and into the victory....

Thank you everyone for your prayers...I need them.

 

[Helen]

I just read this by Ann Voskamp ( who I always get blessed by)

I seemed to hit the spot...I had once again.."forgotten JOY! "

...so in this in-between-time between Christmas and New Year’s you are trying so hard... deep breath here and remember - If you let something steal your Joy today you let something steal your strength.
Joy will not just happen today. Joy will not just come unbidden today. Every moment Joy must be taken.
Every moment Joy must be chosen.
Every moment Joy must be RE-CHOSEN. Because His Joy is your OXYGEN, your strength, your brave courage.
Not letting anything steal the joy today - because everything needs that kind of strength.
"The joy of the Lord is your strength" Ps 5:11.

 

[Butterfly]

Hi ByGrace,
I am so sorry for how this has all made you feel- but as a daughter of parents who did not like my husband, I totally get it - you love your daughter xxx
You know sometimes we forget that God already knows how we feel and what is in our hearts, from your words it's is obvious that you do not want to hate - some emotions take Gods grace to work through. The way you are feeling is a natural response to all that you see him do and hear him say. You cannot just shrug it all off , even if you can look back and see how and why he is the way he is. There is no justification in his behaviour, and of course you would want a better life for your daughter.
Helen sometimes we have to grieve the kind of lives we would have wanted for our children, and often as not we have to do it more than once.
Bitterness is created by not dealing with how we really feel,sounds to me as if you are being open and have a desire to feel differently- that's a good place to start. I cannot imagine that this is the first time you have felt negatives about the situation, sometimes we bury how we really feel and it accumulates - maybe this time round it's time to face what's there , with honesty. Maybe the great physician is lancing an internal emotional boil with the aim of cleaning it out and bringing healing- the poison doesn't taste too good. Not sure you will get that, but I have had a lot of internal, emotional boils lanced - it's painful, but beneficially xxxxxx
I am pretty sure my mum and dad felt the way you did at times , they never said anything to me, but when I divorced they just seemed relieved ( so was my twin brother ) I was grateful they did not say anything until the marriage had ended.
May God show you the way forward.
Xxxxxxxx
Butterfly. X

 

[Helen]

Hi ByGrace,
I am so sorry for how this has all made you feel- but as a daughter of parents who did not like my husband, I totally get it - you love your daughter xxx
You know sometimes we forget that God already knows how we feel and what is in our hearts, from your words it's is obvious that you do not want to hate - some emotions take Gods grace to work through. The way you are feeling is a natural response to all that you see him do and hear him say. You cannot just shrug it all off , even if you can look back and see how and why he is the way he is. There is no justification in his behaviour, and of course you would want a better life for your daughter.
Helen sometimes we have to grieve the kind of lives we would have wanted for our children, and often as not we have to do it more than once.
Bitterness is created by not dealing with how we really feel,sounds to me as if you are being open and have a desire to feel differently- that's a good place to start. I cannot imagine that this is the first time you have felt negatives about the situation, sometimes we bury how we really feel and it accumulates - maybe this time round it's time to face what's there , with honesty. Maybe the great physician is lancing an internal emotional boil with the aim of cleaning it out and bringing healing- the poison doesn't taste too good. Not sure you will get that, but I have had a lot of internal, emotional boils lanced - it's painful, but beneficially xxxxxx
I am pretty sure my mum and dad felt the way you did at times , they never said anything to me, but when I divorced they just seemed relieved ( so was my twin brother ) I was grateful they did not say anything until the marriage had ended.
May God show you the way forward.
Xxxxxxxx
Butterfly. X

Thank you for your kind and wise post.
God is obviously working on me..
Great post... xxx

 

[pia]

@"ByGrace" I was so sorry to hear that he had been so rude to you all, again ! If he says he is a Christian, an older male really should pull him aside and let him know how he is affecting everyone, and remind him what calling oneself a Christian represents ( or is supposed to )...He cannot say he is IN Christ behaving as such, because that is like him saying, that is what Christ is like also, and that would be so very wrong...So someone needs to show him he is walking opposite to what Jesus does....If he cares at all, that should at least make him think....If one elder male won't do it, perhaps you should all consider having an 'intervention' lol, and all of you tell him the honest truth to his face....Oh perhaps video tape him and replay it to him one day and see if he notices just how awful he is being.......sometimes we just don't know how we come across to others, but if we were to see and hear ourselves ( as on a tape ), it may shock some people into a change......Well thank goodness it's over for you for now, but of course your daughter has to put up with him all the time.....I can't even imagine how I would feel if someone mistreated my girls...
I noticed someone alluded to God being the one who gave us the emotion of hate ???? At times I really don't know how Christians can come up with stuff like that...At least I'm sure you know better... :) Have a couple of restful days and hopefully you will be fine, this is really the last thing you needed after what you have just been through...Peace and joy to you Helen.....Pia

 

[truthquest]

My daughter was married to a total control freak know it all who hit my young granddaughter one time and her nose started bleeding. I confronted him and he told me to mind my own business to which I replied, she is my business, she's my granddaughter. My granddaughter was terrified of him. He also slapped my youngest son in my own house. Well, he was kicked out immediately. And of course he was physical that way with my daughter. My daughter finally left him and they divorced much to my relief. My granddaughter who is 19 now wants nothing to do with him whatsoever. But the hardest thing for me is the emotional damage that he inflicted on her. She is really struggling with that now.

...My advice would be to pray about the situation and put it in God's hands.

 

[Helen]

.....By Jennifer Rothschild.

When you choose to forgive, you choose to experience the peace of Christ over you. Does it change everything about the situation? No, but it does do something far better! It draws you toward the cross.

It's because of what Christ has done that we are not only able to forgive others, but we experience true forgiveness ourselves.
What freedom and joy that brings!

Amen! The road to victory!! ✟

 

[pia]

@truthquest Sadly there are far too many people in this world being oppressed by partners, those who are supposed to love us....It was a very good thing that you did let him know exactly what you thought and good for you for standing fast with your kin........It is very sad for your grand daughter that she has to suffer from this still and Jesus would be the only one ( in my experiences) who can truly help someone who hurts that much in their hearts....I sincerely pray and hope that she will find her way into His loving arms and ultimate peace and joy...
All the best to you and your family this coming 2018, may it be a much better year :)

 

[truthquest]

@truthquest Sadly there are far too many people in this world being oppressed by partners, those who are supposed to love us....It was a very good thing that you did let him know exactly what you thought and good for you for standing fast with your kin........It is very sad for your grand daughter that she has to suffer from this still and Jesus would be the only one ( in my experiences) who can truly help someone who hurts that much in their hearts....I sincerely pray and hope that she will find her way into His loving arms and ultimate peace and joy...
All the best to you and your family this coming 2018, may it be a much better year :)

I appreciate your kind and thoughtful reply, thank you. :)
He's the kind of person who enjoys being in control and will say and do things to force that control onto others without any consideration for their feelings or well being. In my experience, I've learned to be very direct and blunt with people like that so that they understand clearly the things that I won't tolerate.
I would really love for my granddaughter to find ultimate peace and joy and to know how loved she is by our heavenly Father. That he can mend her broken heart. ....The sad truth is that her father influenced her with his Wiccan beliefs. He had the audacity to bring a Satanic bible into my house and when I found it, I took it outside and burned it. He was angry and said, do you realize how expensive that book was? He said, you had no right to do that. I said oh yes I do have the right. This is my house. And if you ever bring anything like that into my house again, I'll burn it too.

 

[Josho]

I did not "enjoy" the Christmas days.

One of my daughters has been married 30 years. I got on quite well with my son in law before he married my daughter. After that he turn nasty and very possessive with her.
For years when I am around him I just pretend I do not notice his rudeness.
I pretend I don't hear or notice his over baring attitude to her. I do it for her sake..she says he is worse when anyone stands up to him. She has always been afraid of his violent temper ( and yep..he is a christian) It breaks my heart.

The problem I am struggling with and would like prayer or "words of wisdom" about.. is my attitude.. After this Christmas and his horrid rudeness to many of us gathered there...is that I left the house feeling like I actually hate him!!
I hate every moment of the emotional, controlling, domineering, fearful years that he has put my lovely daughter through.
I think I now loath him.
I find this scary as I know what bitterness does to our bodies and souls....it is like me drinking some poison , but then expecting to see my son-in-law to drop down dead...yet the one who is poisoned is me not him!!

On a few occasions in life, like most other people, I have fought against the spirit of loathing ..nipping it in the bud as soon as a strong dislike takes hold. We know where it comes from, and it is not God!!

So today I feel annoyed at myself for allowing him to control my emotions....while seeing my daughter overcome this very thing in her life, towards him.
She just says that he is in a prison of his own making ....and she will remain free.
I feel like I have lost this battle for myself at this time.

Would like prayer if you have time in these busy days.
Thanks x

Don't worry the battle is not over, if u have managed to control your actions and words with his attitude towards you and thoughts like that, you have been doing alright, some people got no self control, but thank God you do, now the other part of the battle, well I will be praying for peace in your mind, and peace to fill your son in laws heart also, to such a point that you will see a change in his life towards others. Amen

 

[Helen]

Thank you @Josho
I would like to believe that he and I can at some point could have some kind of relationship. But poor chap is so possessive of his wife...I am almost doubting it will happen. Thankfully my daughter and I have wonderful times together when he is working or away fishing. She has been amazing to stick with him and continue to love him over all these years! I think she will have many 'jewels in her crown'...whatever that really means in the spirit. :)

Thank you everyone for prayers...I am feeling much better about things now. I can pray more freely for him and pour blessing on his pointy head. :)