Actually, where I currently am, unbelievable as it may sound, is that I recently came to see trust wasn’t enough and that I lacked love and that I was just like everyone else, full of resentments at the selfishnesses of others and muttering inside at how they kept treating me. Christian and non Christian, we are all the same in this lack of love. I knew this anger was murder but I couldn’t stop it. Oh my gosh how I tried to talk myself out of it all the time, but I was just like everyone else, only capable of loving how the world loves. Every morning I would wake and see the mess in the kitchen they all had left for me, not caring that they were being so piggish and sloppy and making so much work for me and so I would mutter and murder them all as I cleaned it up. So I told God, I see now that trust isn’t enough if I lack Your love. You will have to give me love or I will forever remain this way. I know You want to give me this love and I know You will because You are pleased to help poor women like me who see their great poverty of Spirit and ask for what they lack.
Soon after, He...did something to my passions. He seems to have knocked them out or put them to sleep. They no longer rule over me. It’s like...by silencing those enemies of mine, satan no longer can stir them up to harass me. I know it sounds so ridiculous that all we have to do is ask for what we lack, so why don’t we just ask for crying out loud, but...if a man doesn’t see he lacks something, he won’t ask for it, and I did not see I lacked love. I really didn’t. I thought my problem was the selfishness and lack of care of others and if they would just be kinder I would not HAVE a murdering problem.
Now that I see they can’t help it just like I couldn’t help it and that we all are so destitute and not understanding true love, I have such pity to see people now where I was, being tossed around by their passions and thinking it is everyone else who lacks love and not seeing they lack it too.
That’s where I am currently. At first I thought He hadn’t given me more love but had just calmed my passions, but I think I just couldn’t recognize more love at first as pity and forgiveness. But pity, compassion and forgiveness IS love. I just didn’t recognize it as love at first.
Now, He is...doing something with my will but I don’t understand it yet so I can’t talk about it with any understanding except to say...I seem to have no power of will right now. My will was motored by my passions and...there appears to now be nothing to motor my will now that my passions are silenced. It’s quite odd.