I'll try not to make this long, because I've made several long threads in the past that explain things that are going on in my life.
But to sum it all up, I feel like I am going around and around and around in circles, non-stop. They say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting a different result. I know that I do this, but I don't know how to stop it. It's not just the way I think, but it's primarily because of my spirituality.
I'm trying the best I can to figure out where I fit into this universe. But this world seems too complex for me. There's too much to figure out that it's overwhelming. I feel utterly powerless. I can't go to the left, the right, up, down, back, or forward. I don't feel there is anyone I can really trust. This seems like an every-man-for-himself, get-in-where-you-fit-in world where no one knows anything but everyone just believes what is most convenient to them at the time. It makes no sense.
Truth has no definition. I grew up thinking that it did, but I'm now reevaluating everything that I have been taught, because so many things were wrong that were being portrayed as the ultimate truth. My biggest fear is dying and being shocked at what's on the other side. I'm scared of going to Hell. But I really feel that I'm not going to avoid it. Like I'm just damned if I do and damned if I don't, so what's the use of trying? I don't know who to confide in, because everyone seems to be so sure of themself but everyone is tellling me something different. So I don't know who to listen to. I think that maybe everyone is trying to servive just as hard as I am, so there really is no one that I can depend on.
There seems to be no stability in the universe. The only thing that seems constant is loss. Everything just comes to go, so what is the use of enjoying it? what is the meaning of it all?
I am scared of going to Hell, and everyone in the "everything is relative" bunch tells me that I just need to change religions and belief systems. And everyone in the "turn or burn" bunch just tells me that I need to "believe" on Jesus and repent, and everything will be alright. I would be OK with accepting the advice from either side if there was a soilidity in at least one group. But the problem is I see so many holes in both groups. The fact is "believing" won't save me from anything. Whatever the truth is, it will remain the same, regardless of my "beliefs." I need to KNOW the truth, but it seems to me like that is impossible... because truth has no definition.
I want to be as sure of my afterlife as though I am already there. I want to literally be there before I get there. That's the only way I will know where I'm going. Wishing, hoping, believing... it's simply not good enough for me... and will NEVER be! I'm tired of being told to "believe," "have hope," etc... I need to KNOW! I'm tired of all of the contradictions I have been seeing that are constant, rhetorical, redundant, and never-ending. But it looks like they will never end. I want to be free but no one has the key.
But to sum it all up, I feel like I am going around and around and around in circles, non-stop. They say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting a different result. I know that I do this, but I don't know how to stop it. It's not just the way I think, but it's primarily because of my spirituality.
I'm trying the best I can to figure out where I fit into this universe. But this world seems too complex for me. There's too much to figure out that it's overwhelming. I feel utterly powerless. I can't go to the left, the right, up, down, back, or forward. I don't feel there is anyone I can really trust. This seems like an every-man-for-himself, get-in-where-you-fit-in world where no one knows anything but everyone just believes what is most convenient to them at the time. It makes no sense.
Truth has no definition. I grew up thinking that it did, but I'm now reevaluating everything that I have been taught, because so many things were wrong that were being portrayed as the ultimate truth. My biggest fear is dying and being shocked at what's on the other side. I'm scared of going to Hell. But I really feel that I'm not going to avoid it. Like I'm just damned if I do and damned if I don't, so what's the use of trying? I don't know who to confide in, because everyone seems to be so sure of themself but everyone is tellling me something different. So I don't know who to listen to. I think that maybe everyone is trying to servive just as hard as I am, so there really is no one that I can depend on.
There seems to be no stability in the universe. The only thing that seems constant is loss. Everything just comes to go, so what is the use of enjoying it? what is the meaning of it all?
I am scared of going to Hell, and everyone in the "everything is relative" bunch tells me that I just need to change religions and belief systems. And everyone in the "turn or burn" bunch just tells me that I need to "believe" on Jesus and repent, and everything will be alright. I would be OK with accepting the advice from either side if there was a soilidity in at least one group. But the problem is I see so many holes in both groups. The fact is "believing" won't save me from anything. Whatever the truth is, it will remain the same, regardless of my "beliefs." I need to KNOW the truth, but it seems to me like that is impossible... because truth has no definition.
I want to be as sure of my afterlife as though I am already there. I want to literally be there before I get there. That's the only way I will know where I'm going. Wishing, hoping, believing... it's simply not good enough for me... and will NEVER be! I'm tired of being told to "believe," "have hope," etc... I need to KNOW! I'm tired of all of the contradictions I have been seeing that are constant, rhetorical, redundant, and never-ending. But it looks like they will never end. I want to be free but no one has the key.
