Hi there,
So look, the thing is I have a very peculiar relationship to God. I'm of the opinion that God is reserving judgment, until He sees what I am doing and then He is leaving me out of the difference (that I make?). Because I feel nervous, I try to get God to play His Hand, because I feel I would be more confident if God took the fall for me, even if I end up taking the fall later myself. I am trying to save the flesh, basically.
I don't know if its conceit, or what? But I feel like my sacrifice would be better, if no one had to have a part in it. That requires discipline, which men are only capable of to a point. Point being, I am trying to do things the hard way, by getting my will separate from God, once I see what He is doing and turning to my own resources. It feels evil. Like I am pushing God to the front of the battle and pulling back. King David paid for this sin. It is "over contrition" I think.
When you are over-contrite, you take more responsibility than you need, to make a point that can survive the difference. Evolution is like this in a way, actually (so it is something the world struggles with, to an extent). What if my life made no point? Then God would get nothing, now and into eternity. So you see it is quite a struggle, with big stakes in play. Maybe I need to apologize to God, maybe there is still time to do things differently? For Him to do things differently?
I'm not saying I won't ever sin again, if God delivers me, but I think I need to start acknowledging Him, not just now, but indefinitely. Or is that a mistake? Am I making up for lost time, by saying "no, this is the only way forward (the only way to relate to God), whatever God says"? My heart says 'take on the enemy', which is right but I can't even tell at what point the Devil tricked me into treating God this way. It feels like I am breaking new ground, working this out, but at the same time it would be better if the Holy Spirit quickened me, if He sort of read between the lines and put me there with God on the front lines? But then am I punishing myself, for something everyone does?
I guess what I am saying is that sin is not only evil, its twisted (and leads to more evil). May the Holy Spirit give you the ground you are looking for, or need.
God bless.
So look, the thing is I have a very peculiar relationship to God. I'm of the opinion that God is reserving judgment, until He sees what I am doing and then He is leaving me out of the difference (that I make?). Because I feel nervous, I try to get God to play His Hand, because I feel I would be more confident if God took the fall for me, even if I end up taking the fall later myself. I am trying to save the flesh, basically.
I don't know if its conceit, or what? But I feel like my sacrifice would be better, if no one had to have a part in it. That requires discipline, which men are only capable of to a point. Point being, I am trying to do things the hard way, by getting my will separate from God, once I see what He is doing and turning to my own resources. It feels evil. Like I am pushing God to the front of the battle and pulling back. King David paid for this sin. It is "over contrition" I think.
When you are over-contrite, you take more responsibility than you need, to make a point that can survive the difference. Evolution is like this in a way, actually (so it is something the world struggles with, to an extent). What if my life made no point? Then God would get nothing, now and into eternity. So you see it is quite a struggle, with big stakes in play. Maybe I need to apologize to God, maybe there is still time to do things differently? For Him to do things differently?
I'm not saying I won't ever sin again, if God delivers me, but I think I need to start acknowledging Him, not just now, but indefinitely. Or is that a mistake? Am I making up for lost time, by saying "no, this is the only way forward (the only way to relate to God), whatever God says"? My heart says 'take on the enemy', which is right but I can't even tell at what point the Devil tricked me into treating God this way. It feels like I am breaking new ground, working this out, but at the same time it would be better if the Holy Spirit quickened me, if He sort of read between the lines and put me there with God on the front lines? But then am I punishing myself, for something everyone does?
I guess what I am saying is that sin is not only evil, its twisted (and leads to more evil). May the Holy Spirit give you the ground you are looking for, or need.
God bless.
