ROUND IN CIRCLES

[Pearl]

What is the best way to deal with Christians who keep going from one person to another, going round in circles with their sad stories of sickness, addiction, sexual or physical abuse as well as other issues. I’ve known at least three or four people like this.

Lots of people in the church befriended them, listened to them, prayed for them and tried to help them only to discover that it all seemed to be a waste of time as the person concerned appeared to be stuck in the past and didn’t seem to want to take the advice given to them to help them move forward; just going round and round. It can be so draining.

What happens then is that they make a new friend and the process starts all over again. And they hear the same advice all over again but from different lips. Eventually they run out of ‘friends’ to share these troubles with and fall away from the fellowship only to start the same roundabout in a different church with different people.

We can give love and support; we can befriend and offer advice but some of the people who need to know how to put the past in the past and let go of it sadly won’t let go.

Has anybody else come across this problem and how did you deal with it?

 

[Pearl]

@Nancy @Hidden In Him @Barbara @Helen @Heart2Soul

 

[Hidden In Him]

What is the best way to deal with Christians who keep going from one person to another, going round in circles with their sad stories of sickness, addiction, sexual or physical abuse as well as other issues. I’ve known at least three or four people like this.

Lots of people in the church befriended them, listened to them, prayed for them and tried to help them only to discover that it all seemed to be a waste of time as the person concerned appeared to be stuck in the past and didn’t seem to want to take the advice given to them to help them move forward; just going round and round. It can be so draining.

What happens then is that they make a new friend and the process starts all over again. And they hear the same advice all over again but from different lips. Eventually they run out of ‘friends’ to share these troubles with and fall away from the fellowship only to start the same roundabout in a different church with different people.

We can give love and support; we can befriend and offer advice but some of the people who need to know how to put the past in the past and let go of it sadly won’t let go.

Has anybody else come across this problem and how did you deal with it?

They sort of make themselves known, yes, and especially in church settings, although you will find them on the forums as well...

Part of it can be an appeal for sympathy, but then part of it can be genuine as well. And since it can be difficult to tell which is which sometimes, better to err on the side of caution. But neither I nor my wife allow ourselves to be drained by people like that unless they are showing genuine signs of interest in the things of God, and/or a genuine desire to repent of their sins and their spiritual superficiality.

Otherwise, you are only perpetuating their habit of emotionally leaching off of you and others, and putting off the day when they finally have to come before God in sincere repentance.

 

[Pearl]

They sort of make themselves known, yes, and especially in church settings, although you will find them on the forums as well...

Part of it can be an appeal for sympathy, but then part of it can be a genuine as well. And since it can be difficult to tell which is which sometimes, better to err on the side of caution. But nether I nor my wife allow ourselves to be drained by people like that unless they are showing genuine signs of interest in the things of God, and/or a genuine desire to repent of their sins and their spiritual superficiality.

Otherwise, you are only perpetuating their habit of emotionally leaching off of you and others, and putting off the day when they finally have to come before God in sincere repentance.

I don't doubt for one minute that they mostly have genuine issues, but it's almost like that is who they are and don't really want to be any different. They enjoy the sympathy until it all starts to become clear that they aren't getting the desired attention any more. Then they'll blame that person and fall out with them.

I used to let myself be drawn in until I got drained but I don't any longer. I tell it like it is and if they don't like it I let them walk away and criticise me because I know my church friends would tell them the same things.

 

[Rita]

Lol, I was one of those people at onetime !!!!!
Sometimes you get stuck in victim mode, it feeds something inside. It’s not deliberate all the time and I didn’t realise I was in that ‘ going round in circles ‘ until I allowed the Lord in to the deeper things and began healing. It took ten years + ( that’s a long time for those coming along side )
Some people, like me, eventually move on to being a survivor, then a victor ( although I am not sure I am at the latter stage completely yet )
See you have to take responsibility in order to move on, and that’s scary.
I have empathy with people dealing with the real deep issues,and those who struggle ( just as well with everything that my son feels )
I do get mad sometimes with people who crave sympathy, probably because I know I use to and I look back and don’t like what I was like xx
Rita

 

[Nancy]

What is the best way to deal with Christians who keep going from one person to another, going round in circles with their sad stories of sickness, addiction, sexual or physical abuse as well as other issues. I’ve known at least three or four people like this.

Lots of people in the church befriended them, listened to them, prayed for them and tried to help them only to discover that it all seemed to be a waste of time as the person concerned appeared to be stuck in the past and didn’t seem to want to take the advice given to them to help them move forward; just going round and round. It can be so draining.

What happens then is that they make a new friend and the process starts all over again. And they hear the same advice all over again but from different lips. Eventually they run out of ‘friends’ to share these troubles with and fall away from the fellowship only to start the same roundabout in a different church with different people.

We can give love and support; we can befriend and offer advice but some of the people who need to know how to put the past in the past and let go of it sadly won’t let go.

Has anybody else come across this problem and how did you deal with it?

Oh boy have I known MANY like this Pat! Had them living with me also. It's like, they have zero faith in God! Like, I'm stuck here, I'm staying here, period. How sad and very short sighted. We move on in Him as we grow, we do not stay in the same place if we truly ARE growing, amen!

And draining??!! I cannot say enough about that one!! Wow. These are the ones I need to truly forgive thoroughly and that is not always immediate because of the hurt. But ALL eyes on Christ and we will be fine Faith, trust and obedience no matter our circumstances.

The last church I (2nd last) attended just seemed to keep bailing out those who were there just for that...year after year after year. I don't know but, my bible says that we are NEW creatures and the OLD has passed away. These have no true faith as, it's like God is not "able" to restore.

How to deal with it...hmm. I just seek to forgive and pray for them and...NEVER trust them again.
xo

 

[Pearl]

Lol, I was one of those people at onetime !!!!!
Sometimes you get stuck in victim mode, it feeds something inside. It’s not deliberate all the time and I didn’t realise I was in that ‘ going round in circles ‘ until I allowed the Lord in to the deeper things and began healing. It took ten years + ( that’s a long time for those coming along side )
Some people, like me, eventually move on to being a survivor, then a victor ( although I am not sure I am at the latter stage completely yet )
See you have to take responsibility in order to move on, and that’s scary.
I have empathy with people dealing with the real deep issues,and those who struggle ( just as well with everything that my son feels )
I do get mad sometimes with people who crave sympathy, probably because I know I use to and I look back and don’t like what I was like xx
Rita

@Barbara
I suppose really that as long as we are being kind, loving and supporting it's all we can do until the one doing the rounds moves on to the next in line. A whole line of helpers and supporters and befrienders and eventually the person with the issues breaks through into the light and moves forward. And we may not even see it or know about it but we've all played our part. Thanks for that Rita, I hadn't seen it quite like that before.

 

[Nancy]

Lol, I was one of those people at onetime !!!!!
Sometimes you get stuck in victim mode, it feeds something inside. It’s not deliberate all the time and I didn’t realise I was in that ‘ going round in circles ‘ until I allowed the Lord in to the deeper things and began healing. It took ten years + ( that’s a long time for those coming along side )
Some people, like me, eventually move on to being a survivor, then a victor ( although I am not sure I am at the latter stage completely yet )
See you have to take responsibility in order to move on, and that’s scary.
I have empathy with people dealing with the real deep issues,and those who struggle ( just as well with everything that my son feels )
I do get mad sometimes with people who crave sympathy, probably because I know I use to and I look back and don’t like what I was like xx
Rita

Oh so ditto Rita!!!!

 

[Pearl]

Oh boy have I known MANY like this Pat! Had them living with me also. It's like, they have zero faith in God! Like, I'm stuck here, I'm staying here, period. How sad and very short sighted. We move on in Him as we grow, we do not stay in the same place if we truly ARE growing, amen!

And draining??!! I cannot say enough about that one!! Wow. These are the ones I need to truly forgive thoroughly and that is not always immediate because of the hurt. But ALL eyes on Christ and we will be fine Faith, trust and obedience no matter our circumstances.

The last church I (2nd last) attended just seemed to keep bailing out those who were there just for that...year after year after year. I don't know but, my bible says that we are NEW creatures and the OLD has passed away. These have no true faith as, it's like God is not "able" to restore.

How to deal with it...hmm. I just seek to forgive and pray for them and...NEVER trust them again.
xo

I've been there Nancy, too many times, and one, a young man I met when he was 20 and spent many hours feeding and counselling ended up a drunk with liver disease falling asleep and being burned to death in front of his own hearth. It was heartbreaking. But Rita's post made me see it in new light.

 

[Rita]

I think there are two groups of people Pearl ...
One group desperately want to move on, but are trapped in a circle of hurts and triggers from the past. They don’t want to be a victim, but can’t help it because it takes more than just words to release them, it takes The Holy Spirit and the truth. The man you mentioned could well have been in that group as men find it particularly hard to face up to their emotions, drink numbs the pain and becomes the pain relief. With me it was food.

Then there is the group who don’t really have deep problems but crave attention and other people ‘ caring ‘ for them, so everything becomes a drama. They get what they desire, so they continuously find ways to gain what gives them what they crave.
I have noticed that many young people fall into these groups, and often the second one. They want labels all the time and crave the sympathy.

Rita

 

[Truman]

What is the best way to deal with Christians who keep going from one person to another, going round in circles with their sad stories of sickness, addiction, sexual or physical abuse as well as other issues. I’ve known at least three or four people like this.

Lots of people in the church befriended them, listened to them, prayed for them and tried to help them only to discover that it all seemed to be a waste of time as the person concerned appeared to be stuck in the past and didn’t seem to want to take the advice given to them to help them move forward; just going round and round. It can be so draining.

What happens then is that they make a new friend and the process starts all over again. And they hear the same advice all over again but from different lips. Eventually they run out of ‘friends’ to share these troubles with and fall away from the fellowship only to start the same roundabout in a different church with different people.

We can give love and support; we can befriend and offer advice but some of the people who need to know how to put the past in the past and let go of it sadly won’t let go.

Has anybody else come across this problem and how did you deal with it?

I tell them to go to Jacob's Well.
Typical church doctrine does not address the depth of the sickness of these people's souls.
For me, I attribute it to being rejected in the womb; my grandfather's involvement in a secret society that is known for, at the highest levels, devil worshiping; satanic abductions throughout my childhood that are, for the most part, only coming to light for me recently; and possibly, the enemy paying special attention to people like me, knowing that God will use us to wake up the descendants of the house of Israel in these, the last days of this age. We all have the sin nature; some of us seem to be especially sin-sick. What works for most, doesn't for some.
Some of us are just round pegs and cannot fit into square holes. As I said somewhere else, I don't have all the answers.
What I do know is, "I died, He lives, and dwells inside of me. I am finally assured of eternity. He never left my side, not even when I died, He was with me in the dark, right by my side. Faithful is His name!" Shalom.

 

[Nancy]

I've been there Nancy, too many times, and one, a young man I met when he was 20 and spent many hours feeding and counselling ended up a drunk with liver disease falling asleep and being burned to death in front of his own hearth. It was heartbreaking. But Rita's post made me see it in new light.

Oh yes, no doubt very heartbreaking. You did what God would have expected of you, and then some for this young man. Yes, Rita's post did touch home.
We are either victors or we are defeated...
xo

 

[Pearl]

Oh yes, no doubt very heartbreaking. You did what God would have expected of you, and then some for this young man. Yes, Rita's post did touch home.
We are either victors or we are defeated...
xo

All we can do is what God leads us to do or say. This man - Martin - knew the gospel but I think he's had a bad experience at home with his father who was a vicar. I don't mean the nasty stuff but perhaps expectations were too high for his son. So Martin spent his whole life searching for love but couldn't accept Jesus love for him. He knew he was 'drowning but wouldn't get in the boat. It was his choice though. We all did everything possible to love and support him.

 

[Truman]

It's hard to have faith when the foundation of your being/personality is grounded on unbelief.
You can go for a while but then fall back into unbelief.
When the first building block of one's personality is out of plumb, everything else is, also.
I do get a little frustrated at the insensitivity of those who believe they see and understand, but don't.
But that's the church for you...all 45,000 denominations.

 

[Pearl]

It's hard to have faith when the foundation of your being/personality is grounded on unbelief.
You can go for a while but then fall back into unbelief.
When the first building block of one's personality is out of plumb, everything else is, also.
I do get a little frustrated at the insensitivity of those who believe they see and understand, but don't.
But that's the church for you...all 45,000 denominations.

Perhaps people have so little self worth - especially those who have been abused - that they feel they aren't worthy of God's love and can't grasp that it is unconditional. And people feel unworthy for all sorts of reasons. They need to know that God sent Jesus for the sinners and those who felt unworthy.

 

[TLHKAJ]

I think there are two groups of people Pearl ...
One group desperately want to move on, but are trapped in a circle of hurts and triggers from the past. They don’t want to be a victim, but can’t help it because it takes more than just words to release them, it takes The Holy Spirit and the truth. The man you mentioned could well have been in that group as men find it particularly hard to face up to their emotions, drink numbs the pain and becomes the pain relief. With me it was food.

Then there is the group who don’t really have deep problems but crave attention and other people ‘ caring ‘ for them, so everything becomes a drama. They get what they desire, so they continuously find ways to gain what gives them what they crave.
I have noticed that many young people fall into these groups, and often the second one. They want labels all the time and crave the sympathy.

Rita

I would say that most do want freedom and healing. Scripture instructs us to weep with those who weep and mourn with those who mourn. Bear one another's burdens and in doing so, we fulfill the law of Christ. What is the law of Christ? In just one sentence, the law of Christ is love. Loving God and loving others is the fulfillment of the law. Christ fully entered into our suffering when He chose to drink the cup and go to the cross. We as His followers are called to do the same. If we are to reign with Him, we will suffer with Him. This involves denying self and going where He leads, including loving and ministering to the broken.

 

[Rita]

All we can do is what God leads us to do or say. This man - Martin - knew the gospel but I think he's had a bad experience at home with his father who was a vicar. I don't mean the nasty stuff but perhaps expectations were too high for his son. So Martin spent his whole life searching for love but couldn't accept Jesus love for him. He knew he was 'drowning but wouldn't get in the boat. It was his choice though. We all did everything possible to love and support him.

I am not sure it is as easy as saying it was ‘ his choice ‘ - sorry
Spiritual warfare at its deepest, I accepted the Lord, but the battle to believe his love for me is constant. I know why, there are some hurts that just go into your soul and the battle with them are ongoing. Thankfully I am in a much more secure place now spiritually.
I guess I feel such a sadness for that young man because I know what that struggle is like, poor guy to end up on the streets and die the way he did. Rita

 

[Rita]

Perhaps people have so little self worth - especially those who have been abused - that they feel they aren't worthy of God's love and can't grasp that it is unconditional. And people feel unworthy for all sorts of reasons. They need to know that God sent Jesus for the sinners and those who felt unworthy.

Sorry Pearl I don’t keep meaning to add things, but it’s not as simple as just coming to faith, that’s only the beginning of the journey. I was abused and I know others on the forum have suffered far worse than I did, it impacts your soul, the depth of who you are. I still have a low self worth on a human level
- it’s just there. It drives me nuts !!

 

[MatthewG]

Love, Forgiveness, Mercy, Peace, Forbearance by the spirit of Christ/Holy Spirit.

 

[Truman]

Until I was given a revelation of our Father's love, specifically, my Father's love for me, in 1994, I naturally, and unconsciously, assumed that there was something wrong with me, that I was less than, that I was unlovable.
Picture a seed sprouting under a rock. Before it can grow up, it has to grow sideways, or die.
From it's earliest stages, it will be deformed. Among all the other healthy plants, it will appear grotesque. This describes my childhood.
Together with physical, sexual, and spiritual abuse (I was involve in seances and Ouija boards by the age of five), I was chronically neglected.
I had a chronic love deficit. Picture a can with a hole in it. You pour the water of love in it; depending on the size of the hole, it's not long until the water has drained out and the can is dry. Until the hole is plugged, this will keep happening.
The solution for all of this is in the word; together with the Spirit, I've walked out this long process.
I don't want to make others feel bad; I'd like others to understand that they don't always understand others.