ROUND IN CIRCLES

[lilygrace]

Lilly grace, if you reached out to someone trying to help them with your whole heart, and instead of them receiving you as a friend they treated you like an enemy for doing so, wouldn't this be a little more than someone merely "draining" you? Wouldn't it actually kinda hurt that in return for your kindness someone gave unkindness in response, and made you wonder if there was any point in trying to help?

I posted you nothing but kind messages trying to encourage you in other treads. You never even posted so much as a response or a "like" to anything I said even though I was trying to reach out to you. Then the one time when someone posted something they assumed I directed towards them in an unkind way, that you immediately jumped on and said, "I would agree. That it's uncool to talk about someone as if they can't read it when they actually can.... I kind of sensed that was going on.."

It wasn't going on, as I explained very clearly, even exposing the identity of the person I was ACTUALLY talking about just to try and maybe clear my name. And did you even then consider sending me a kind word? And I posted on this thread having not the slightest thought that it was about you. Would you tell me again what a sinner and evil person I am when all I was trying to do is help?

Why am I supposed to be perpetually encouraging to you, while you meanwhile perpetually make me out to be someone who is unkind and inconsiderate? Why must I be the only one who is kind? Scripture talks about giving and receiving, and this is the heart of true Christianity. Why am I supposed to give love, and I am a sinner if I don't, but I should be happy with the fact that I receive back nothing in return? I don't understand. That doesn't sound like Christianity to me. It is supposed to be about giving and receiving, not taking and taking and never giving anything good back.

It seemed that someone else thought the post referred to her. It seemed to resolve itself and even though I don't agree that someone's Id from another site was given i was not upset.
It still referred to someone online though which was unrelated to my post in general. I ended up forgetting it even happened.
I've felt I've been supportive of people for being a new member. You aren't being fair to me by saying I'm taking and not giving.
Just seems like a misunderstanding and blown out of proportion.
My pm box is always open for anyone who wants something resolved . I generally check to see how my friends are doing.... I have a pregnant friend for instance. . I guess I'm just a crap person

 

[Hidden In Him]

Ok so apparently this post i made led to a response like rhis? This has nothing to do with you. I'm sorry you felt ignored. I did not mean to ignore you. You aren't on my ignore.
. There are people who i have given love to and don't return it to me. I have never been unkind to you i just didn't respond or like your posts. It's nothing personal

I understand. But do you see my point? You did come after me like I was insulting someone. That much you did respond to. Don't you see that the predisposition of your heart makes it hard for you to receive love from people? I'm not the only one I'm guessing, and if you keep rejecting people when they try, and keep thinking only the worst of them, you end up hurting yourself by depriving yourself of friends because you are so fearful they don't really love you and so ready to believe that they don't.

And yes, there will be BOATLOADS of people out there that you can pour your entire life into, and it still won't matter. Maybe that's because people are in need. But I'm saying that in order to find healing for your need, you gotta pray to God to find the RIGHT people who you can reach out to and they don't hurt you, and people that when they try to reach out to you you don't reject them because you so readily believe they don't care.

 

[Hidden In Him]

I've felt I've been supportive of people for being a new member. You aren't being fair to me by saying I'm taking and not giving.

I think maybe you have been supportive of others here, but I was saying that about me, not everyone else. Why are you again bringing an accusation against me as if I'm being unfair in accusing you about how you are treating others when I wasn't talking about that? I was talking about how you are treating me, not about how you are treating everyone else.

 

[lilygrace]

I understand. But do you see my point? You did come after me like I was insulting someone. That much you did respond to. Don't you see that the predisposition of your heart makes it hard for you to receive love from people? I'm not the only one I'm guessing, and if you keep rejecting people when they try, and keep thinking only the worst of them, you end up hurting yourself by depriving yourself of friends because you are so fearful they don't really love you and so ready to believe that they don't.

And yes, there will be BOATLOADS of people out there that you can pour your entire life into, and it still won't matter. Maybe that's because people are in need. But I'm saying that in order to find healing for your need, you gotta pray to God to find the RIGHT people who you can reach out to and they don't hurt you, and people that when they try to reach out to you you don't reject them because you so readily believe they don't care.

I believe you but i also see fluffy as a new friend. Who ive interacted with more. I want to be supportive of her too.

I'm sorry. See how I'm trying?
I don't know what predisposition means but a lot of people who claimed i don't accept love have also gaslighted me.
I think we should go back to topic.
I'm still getting to know everyone in general

 

[lilygrace]

I think maybe you have been supportive of others here, but I was saying that about me, not everyone else. Why are you again bringing an accusation against me as if I'm being unfair in accusing you about how you are treating others when I wasn't talking about that? I was talking about how you are treating me, not about how you are treating everyone else.

You kind of randomly posted to me more than usual which is fine.
I am not used to seeing you post to me in general.
I am neutral to you. Not against except for that incident where i had seemed to jump sides.
@Hidden In Him
I also have an autism diagnosis. I can get very overwhelmed..... And confused.
I can help change if someone addresses it and not just embarrasses me.
I complimented someone once and it actually offended her and then i talked it out with her before.

 

[Truman]

WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?

 

[TLHKAJ]

Lilly grace, if you reached out to someone trying to help them with your whole heart, and instead of them receiving you as a friend they treated you like an enemy for doing so, wouldn't this be a little more than someone merely "draining" you? Wouldn't it actually kinda hurt that in return for your kindness someone gave unkindness in response, and made you wonder if there was any point in trying to help?

I posted you nothing but kind messages trying to encourage you in other treads. You never even posted so much as a response or a "like" to anything I said even though I was trying to reach out to you. Then the one time when someone posted something they assumed I directed towards them in an unkind way, that you immediately jumped on and said, "I would agree. That it's uncool to talk about someone as if they can't read it when they actually can.... I kind of sensed that was going on.."

It wasn't going on, as I explained very clearly, even exposing the identity of the person I was ACTUALLY talking about just to try and maybe clear my name. And did you even then consider sending me a kind word? And I posted on this thread having not the slightest thought that it was about you. Would you tell me again what a sinner and evil person I am when all I was trying to do is help?

Why am I supposed to be perpetually encouraging to you, while you meanwhile perpetually make me out to be someone who is unkind and inconsiderate? Why must I be the only one who is kind? Scripture talks about giving and receiving, and this is the heart of true Christianity. Why am I supposed to give love, and I am a sinner if I don't, but I should be happy with the fact that I receive back nothing in return? I don't understand. That doesn't sound like Christianity to me. It is supposed to be about giving and receiving, not taking and taking and never giving anything good back.

What I the world??? Why are you attacking her? This isn't love....nowhere near it. You're allowing your mind to imagine things that aren't true regarding her.

 

[Hidden In Him]

I'm sorry. See how I'm trying?
I don't know what predisposition means but a lot of people who claimed i don't accept love have also gaslighted me.
I think we should go back to topic.
I'm still getting to know everyone in general

That's quite alright, and I'm not at all offended. I'm just trying to show you things from outside yourself to give you a different perspective. But I do understand; you don't have an easy situation, and God knows it. And He does not judge us in comparison with others, but on the basis of how we each did with the hand WE were personally dealt. So I am 100% behind you, as I have been from my first post.

Just consider what I am telling you: Spend some time in prayer, and more and more time in prayer if you can, asking Him to send you those you can trust and participate in giving and receiving love and friendship with. He will give you this if you just keep asking Him for it in prayer and don't give up until you receive it.

Ok, lecture's over. Just know you are in a good place here, not a bad one, and I think you might be able to find a number of good friends if you just keep praying to God to help you find them.

And I hope you will forgive me if I was direct. It's the only way I know to be.

Your friend,
Hidden

 

[Hidden In Him]

I am neutral to you. Not against except for that incident where i had seemed to jump sides.
@Hidden In Him
I also have an autism diagnosis. I can get very overwhelmed..... And confused.
I can help change if someone addresses it and not just embarrasses me.
I complimented someone once and it actually offended her and then i talked it out with her before.

Again, it's quite alright. And I think you have a soft and beautiful heart. I'm telling you to trust God. Those in this community won't allow you to think so negatively in your heart and not have hope. We want you to believe for love, and for joy, and for happiness in your life, and it starts with having hope.

 

[TLHKAJ]

It seemed that someone else thought the post referred to her. It seemed to resolve itself and even though I don't agree that someone's Id from another site was given i was not upset.
It still referred to someone online though which was unrelated to my post in general. I ended up forgetting it even happened.
I've felt I've been supportive of people for being a new member. You aren't being fair to me by saying I'm taking and not giving.
Just seems like a misunderstanding and blown out of proportion.
My pm box is always open for anyone who wants something resolved . I generally check to see how my friends are doing.... I have a pregnant friend for instance. . I guess I'm just a crap person

You're not a crap person. Some people are too wrapped up in themselves to actually care about anyone else. If someone is upset that they didn't get enough credit and acknowledgement for replying to a few posts, their motives are completely wrong. You are not in the wrong.

@Hidden In Him This should have never been brought into a thread to attack and shame another member. If you had an issue with @lilygrace you should have messaged her privately in the spirit of love. Singling her out here is opposite of Godly love.

 

[Truman]

Some people want to be victims, it is their Identity. I your compassion you try to help them out of their situation, but they keep circling back to their problems

The only thing you can do is stop enabling them, but let them know if they really want help (instead of pity and an excuse to fail) but you won't go there again.

If they was to overcome, instead of being overcome. they will reach out to you

Self-pity is a sin, and as such, needs to be repented of. But so is pride.
This is my imperfect definition of pride, which I believe is the root of all sin: It's invisible, it feels good, it seems right, and it blinds.

 

[TLHKAJ]

The "self pity" condemnation is actually selfishness on the part of Christians who are too wrapped up in self to actually look into the pain of others and show them the love of God.

This is opposite of Jesus's response to brokenness.

Isaiah 61:1-4
[1]The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me; because the LORD hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound;
[2]To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn;
[3]To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.
[4]And they shall build the old wastes, they shall raise up the former desolations, and they shall repair the waste cities, the desolations of many generations.

You're missing out on a blessing when you refuse to walk alongside a broken sister or brother. Many of these have much stronger faith than the average believer. It takes a lot for a trauma survivor to come to faith in Christ after being betrayed by everyone they should have been able to trust.

 

[Amazed@grace]

It seemed that someone else thought the post referred to her. It seemed to resolve itself and even though I don't agree that someone's Id from another site was given i was not upset.
It still referred to someone online though which was unrelated to my post in general. I ended up forgetting it even happened.
I've felt I've been supportive of people for being a new member. You aren't being fair to me by saying I'm taking and not giving.
Just seems like a misunderstanding and blown out of proportion.
My pm box is always open for anyone who wants something resolved . I generally check to see how my friends are doing.... I have a pregnant friend for instance. . I guess I'm just a crap person

No, you're not a crap person. Don't ever let anyone make you feel that way.
It isn't Christian charity if someone gives while expecting something in return.
That instead is known as an emotional fault, the ultimate in selfishness, the psychological syndrome known as malignant narcissism.
It's all about them. Because they're incapable of considering anyone else.
Hope that helps. (cyber hugs to you)


"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

 

[Mayflower]

What is the best way to deal with Christians who keep going from one person to another, going round in circles with their sad stories of sickness, addiction, sexual or physical abuse as well as other issues. I’ve known at least three or four people like this.

Lots of people in the church befriended them, listened to them, prayed for them and tried to help them only to discover that it all seemed to be a waste of time as the person concerned appeared to be stuck in the past and didn’t seem to want to take the advice given to them to help them move forward; just going round and round. It can be so draining.

What happens then is that they make a new friend and the process starts all over again. And they hear the same advice all over again but from different lips. Eventually they run out of ‘friends’ to share these troubles with and fall away from the fellowship only to start the same roundabout in a different church with different people.

We can give love and support; we can befriend and offer advice but some of the people who need to know how to put the past in the past and let go of it sadly won’t let go.

Has anybody else come across this problem and how did you deal with it?

I used to be in this cycle... More as a teenager... And it was a bit like a rock wall. What you have to realize is yes, you have to set boundaries and pray for people when you feel drained and believe that someone else is more at a place to listen... But never stop praying for people. And never stop to judge when they go to someone else... Because I tell you.

It took many many years to break free... I self-injured for ten years. I was depressed and anxious and had sexual abuse as a child by a family member. Then it took another few years to break out of the fear that I needed to be going to a church that taught differently. There are mental and emotional strongholds. And some are very traumatized and at a place where they just need to talk and listen... Jesus spoke to people in parables not to confuse people, but because many had to get to that place to really hear the message of them I think... Same for those in recovery. It was the same in my own life. Sometimes in recovery it feels like inching along until someone, somewhere, just repeats it and revelation strikes. Mental strongholds just start falling down.

Some plant seeds. Some water. Some harvest in recovery. Just like in salvation. Deliverance is hard business. And it is true... Some choose not to be free. Then some are really trying. I try not to judge and help what I can handle to help people with.

 

[DuckieLady]

I used to be in this cycle... More as a teenager... And it was a bit like a rock wall. What you have to realize is yes, you have to set boundaries and pray for people when you feel drained and believe that someone else is more at a place to listen... But never stop praying for people. And never stop to judge when they go to someone else... Because I tell you.

It took many many years to break free... I self-injured for ten years. I was depressed and anxious and had sexual abuse as a child by a family member. Then it took another few years to break out of the fear that I needed to be going to a church that taught differently. There are mental and emotional strongholds. And some are very traumatized and at a place where they just need to talk and listen... Jesus spoke to people in parables not to confuse people, but because many had to get to that place to really hear the message of them I think... Same for those in recovery. It was the same in my own life. Sometimes in recovery it feels like inching along until someone, somewhere, just repeats it and revelation strikes. Mental strongholds just start falling down.

Some plant seeds. Some water. Some harvest in recovery. Just like in salvation. Deliverance is hard business. And it is true... Some choose not to be free. Then some are really trying. I try not to judge and help what I can handle to help people with.

This sounds familiar

Same on all of it just replace self injury with lots of escapism and same story.

That's why I said do pray. But don't wear yourself out either. There were points where I was dramatic and unhelpable in my youth.

And there have been times as an adult where I REALLY, REALLY needed someone to care and nobody did, especially at the HARDEST point, but guess what? God is a rescuer.

Have a song floating around in my head with the lyrics singing...

"In the ship,
In the storm,
I'll be there"

 

[Mayflower]

How to stop the cycle from coming to "your" attention?
In the church that gathers online? Choose to set those ones to your ignore list.
Then, thank God you have never yet walked in the shoes of those who need to release the pain still inside them, and often. Thinking an anonymous identity on a forum on the web is safer than an in person face to face support group.
And then, ask God's forgiveness for being insensitive, harsh, unkind and without compassion when posting an OP thread that is meant to send a message to anyone here who fits its criteria in a history of posts.

You see? OP's like this show us what is wrong in the church.
Calling for people to unite in their public opinions against any among us who dare to cry out again and again for compassion, understanding, and help, more often than is judged necessary by that one and their posting supporters .

What is this place?

Into those who may recognize themselves on the details of the OP, and are pained by those in league with its motives and intention, forgive them. For they do know what they're doing.

I think you may have missed the rest of her posts about the young man who passed away drunk. I understand what you are saying too though. It is frustrating on both sides. For the one trying to get through and to the ones who have had so much hurt in their lives trying to break out of the cycle.

 

[Mayflower]

Yes but they do not have to be locked into that mode of thinking and acting. They need to know exactly what is going and and how to come out of that frame of mind. Of course, in the end they have to make up their minds. But perhaps no one has ever sat down with them and told them the truth.

The how is important

 

[Mayflower]

I agree with this. It is insulting and ridiculous. I told so few especially offline. Online is at least anonymous as you want it to be. Actual survivor boards exist . But most people don't actually tell.

I do encourage offline... I only shared on CF for years and as a result self injury continued longer I think. You just have to search for the right one... I know it is hard... Especially when you are hurting. It is so important though.

 

[Mayflower]

I agree with this. It is insulting and ridiculous. I told so few especially offline. Online is at least anonymous as you want it to be. Actual survivor boards exist . But most people don't actually tell.

Online anyone can come on and read, Lily... It is a lot more anonymous offline.

 

[Hidden In Him]

You kind of randomly posted to me more than usual which is fine.
I am not used to seeing you post to me in general.
I am neutral to you. Not against except for that incident where i had seemed to jump sides.
@Hidden In Him
I also have an autism diagnosis. I can get very overwhelmed..... And confused.
I can help change if someone addresses it and not just embarrasses me.
I complimented someone once and it actually offended her and then i talked it out with her before.

Lillygrace, Hope you didn't get offended by anything I said to you. I read through some other posts, and the scriptures very much teach that giving and receiving is how believers experience joy in the Christian life together. I could give you entire passages on this. The joy is found in both giving and receiving with each other; in exchanging love with one another, and this is the heart of Christian life and Christian practice. This is how you will enter into the joy your heart so deeply longs for.

God bless, and I will be praying for you.
Hidden