It's actually quite strange. When this started 2 years ago and I felt the Spirit leave, I immediately forgot almost everything about my life with Christ and who God was. All my spiritual knowledge and experiences with the Lord out the window in a moment. All I can remember is bits of conversations I had with lost people and false converts in college where I was sharing my testimony. I'll try to remember as much as I can but it's like trying to remember a dream.
Hello again, first I apologize for the delay in my reply. I don't really post on weekends. I appreciate you taking the time to reply to my question and I did read your link, which helped.
Second, realizing we can't judge one another's heart, between your post here and the link you provided it seems like you had a genuine conversion - the second time. This being the case I can tell you with every confidence that the Spirit did not leave you. We are sealed:
Ephesians 1:13-14 "
In him you also,
when you heard the word of truth,
the gospel of your salvation,
and believed in him,
were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of his glory."
I believe someone else also told you that nothing! can take us out of His hands. Nothing.
I grew up in a Christian household. One day when I was around 5 we got home from church one day and my dad took me in his room and asked me if I had ever asked Jesus into my heart. I responded with a no. I wasn't aware that I needed to. My dad, in a round-about way, communicated that if I didn't I would go to hell and be separated from God as well as them. So as any 5 year old would do in that situation, I agreed to accept Jesus and prayed a prayer with my dad. Went before the church and got baptized. Thought I was all set. Except that there was no life change. No change in heart or desire. No hatred of sin and yearning to know Christ more.
The fact that you recognize this says volumes, in a good way.
A few years later we moved to a new city and a new church. When I was 10 I went to a youth conference with the youth group. It was a few days long, I recall. I remember the next to last day the speaker came out and said something to the effect of, "I had a sermon planned out but I feel the Spirit leading me to read out of Matthew." So he read out of Matthew and talked about what he was reading. He spoke specifically about the crucifixion, as I recall. I remember the Lord convicting me of sin in that moment. It became real. But I was confused because I fully believed that I was already a Christian. I remember having a deep sense of the reality that I did not actually know God at that time and that I needed to respond by going up front during the invitation. That invitation seemed to go on foreeeeeever. Eventually I decided to respond but it was difficult to even get up. Like my body was heavy. Like there were bricks on me. Eventually, I stood up, the weight dissipated and I went up front and spoke to some guy about becoming a Christian.
Oppression. Even then. I agree with your dr. - you already have an amazing testimony.
And that was that. Nothing flashy or emotional. But I'm confided I was a believer because there was a clear change in my life and desires afterwards. I really did want to know Christ more deeply after that. I really hated sin and experienced conviction. I desired to submit my life to Christ and serve him. And even through the backsliding that occurred throughout my childhood, teen years and college years, the Lord always brought me back to him through repentance and I found new growth and a restored relationship. So that's it.
Very rarely
is conversion flashy or emotional. Faith isn't about feeling, it's about believing in what you can't see. 2 Corinthians 5:7 is one of my go-to verses - "For we walk by faith,
not by sight." Or feelings....
Unfortunately, that is not longer the case for me.
I have reverted back to a state of lostness. If you are interested in reading that account, I'll leave a link below to it.
Loss of Salvation? : TrueChristian
I don't believe you've 'reverted' back to a state of lostness because, as I said above, you can't lose what God promised. The Holy Spirit doesn't jump in and out of us.
But...
If satan can't have you for hell, he will try to render your faith useless. Believers can't be possessed but they can - and very often are - oppressed. It's likely that's you.
There is a battle plan.
Another go-to verse I use is James 4:7 "
Submit yourselves therefore to God.
Resist the devil, and
he will flee from you."
If at all possible read Ephesians 6 - or if you can't bring yourself to read BibleGateway has an audio feature. Set it to Eph 6 and let someone else do the reading for you and you just listen.
Put on that full armor. Satan does not want you to do this. That's when James comes in - submit to God and resist. Resist and he will flee from you - not 'he might' - he will. He HAS to.
It's good to pray and cry out to God as you've been doing, but also it's important sometimes to just stand firm. At least 15 times in the bible - 10 in the NT - are the words 'stand firm' used. The battle is ultimately God's. Stand firm.
The other thing important to remember is the devil is the father of lies. He's a lying liar who lies. He wants you to feel there is NO forgiveness for your sins, that you're useless, worthless, no good to God and there's NO way He'll forgive you let alone save you. Lies all lies.
God LOVES you. That is the truth. Jesus died for YOU while you were YET A SINNER. Me, too. Knowing I would continue to sin, He died for me.
I will be praying for you. I pray a lot, and I pray warfare prayer all the time; God's called me to intercede years ago. If you know anyone at all - doesn't have to be a pastor but someone you know without a doubt to be a believer - you need serious hands on prayer if possible. I know there are people on these boards who've said they're praying, too so take heart. The name of Jesus knows no distance - it's the power of the Name and we don't have to be right there with you.
Feel free to message me anytime. I am lifting you up, asking God to tie the hands and bind every enemy, to deliver you in the name of Jesus. I have a family member deep into sexual sin, I understand how strong that is. However - He Who is in you is greater than he who is in the world!! Remember that.
Keep us posted. God bless and be with you.