Then why is my heart so hard? Why do I not desire repentance from the heart like I once did?
I read this article and I see myself as Esau. Unable to repent from a pure heart. So hardened that my repentance has become hollow.
Has My Sexual Sin Made Me Unsavable?
"There came a point where God withdrew from Esau. This meant that Esau was so hardened in his heart that even his weeping in search of repentance was phony at the root. He sought repentance with tears and they were fake. They weren’t penitent tears. He couldn’t cry real tears of repentance anymore. His tears were not true. He wanted the blessing. He wanted the safety. He wanted the gifts. He wanted the inheritance. He wanted heaven. But he did not want God."
I find myself wanting to enter back into relationship with God. Having wanted to from the first moment this started. But finding no love or desire for God within myself when I hardened up. These things describe me to a T.
The only way I have not become like Esau is if the Lord has withdrawn from me temporarily as a disciplinary measure. But I do not know how I can know with any degree of positivity.